Learn Assertive Communication in 5 Simple Steps

Learn Assertive Communication in 5 Simple Steps Stress Management Management Techniques Print Learn Assertive Communication In 5 Simple Steps By Elizabeth Scott, MS twitter Elizabeth Scott, MS, is a wellness coach specializing in stress management and quality of life, and the author of 8 Keys to Stress Management. Learn about our editorial policy Elizabeth Scott, MS Medically reviewed by Medically reviewed by Carly Snyder, MD on November 11, 2019 facebook twitter linkedin Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.   Learn about our Medical Review Board Carly Snyder, MD Updated on February 13, 2020 Klaus Vedfelt / The Image Bank More in Stress Management Management Techniques Physical Techniques Relaxation Time Management Effects on Health Situational Stress Job Stress Household Stress Relationship Stress Assertive communication can strengthen your relationships by reducing stress from conflict and providing you with social support when facing difficult times. A polite but assertive ?no  to excessive requests from others will enable you to avoid overloading your schedule and promote balance in your life. An understanding of assertive communication can also help you handle difficult family, friends, and co-workers more easily, reducing drama and stress. Ultimately, assertive communication empowers you to draw necessary boundaries that allow you to get your needs met in relationships without alienating others and without letting resentment and anger creep in. This helps you to have what you need in relationships while allowing your loved ones to have their needs met too. Although many people equate assertive communication with conflict and confrontation, assertiveness actually allows people to be closer. Assertive communication does take practice.  Many people mistake assertiveness for aggressiveness, but assertiveness is actually the balanced middle ground between aggressiveness and passivity.  Aggressiveness leads to hurt feelings and fractured relationships. Passivity leads to stress and resentment, and sometimes even lashing out in the end. Identify and Understand Passive-Aggressive Behavior Improve Your Communication Style Learning to speak assertively enables you to respect everyones needs and rightsâ€"including your ownâ€"and to maintain boundaries in relationships while helping others feel respected at the same time. These steps can help you to develop this healthy communication style (and relieve stress in your life in the process). 1. Be factual, not judgmental, about what you dont like. When approaching someone about a behavior you’d like to see changed, stick to factual descriptions of what they’ve done, rather than using negative labels or words that convey judgments. For example: Situation: Your friend, who habitually runs late, has shown up 20 minutes late for a lunch date.Inappropriate (aggressive) response: You’re so rude! You’re always late.Assertive communication: We were supposed to meet at 11:30, but now it’s 11:50. Don’t assume you know what the other person’s motives are, especially if you think they’re negative. In this situation, dont assume that your friend deliberately arrived late because they didnt want to come or because they value their own time more than yours. 2. Be accurate about the effects of this behavior. Dont judge or exaggerate. Being factual about what you dont like in someones behavior, without overdramatizing or judging, is an important start. The same is true for describing the effects of their behavior. Don’t exaggerate, label or judge; just describe: Inappropriate response: “Now lunch is ruined.”Assertive communication: “Now I have less time to spend at lunch because I still need to be back to work by 1:00.” Body language and tone of voice matter in assertive communication. Let yours reflect your confidence: Stand up straight, maintain eye contact, and relax. Use a firm but pleasant tone. 3. Use “I messages.” When you start a sentence with “You...”, it comes off as a judgment or an  attack and puts people on the defensive. If you start with “I,” the focus is more on how you are feeling and how you are affected by their behavior. Also, it shows more ownership of your reactions  and less blame. This helps minimize defensiveness in the other person, model the act of taking responsibility, and move you both toward positive change. For example: You Message:  â€œYou need to stop that!”I Message: “I’d like it if you’d stop that.” When in a discussion, don’t forget to listen and ask questions! It’s important to understand the other person’s point of view. 4.  Put it all together. Here’s a great formula that puts it all together: “When you [their behavior], I feel [your feelings].” When used with factual statements, rather than judgments or labels, this formula provides a direct, non-attacking, more responsible way of letting people know how their behavior affects you. For example: “When you yell, I feel attacked.” 5.  List behavior, results, and feelings. A more advanced variation of this formula includes the results of their behavior (again, put into factual terms), and looks like this: “When you [their behavior], then [results of their behavior], and I feel [how you feel].” For example: “When you arrive late, I have to wait, and I feel frustrated.” Or, “When you tell the kids they can do something that I’ve already forbidden, some of my authority as a parent is taken away, and I feel undermined.” Try to think win-win: See if you can find a compromise or a way for you both to get your needs met. In the case of the always-late friend, maybe a different meeting place would help them be on time. Or you can choose to make plans only at times when your schedule is more open and their lateness wont cause you as much stress. Communication Skills to Strengthen Any Relationship